Find You Here

By Michelle Prillaman

Well, here again I meet this blog. Where I’m supposed to write thoughts and what’s happening in my life and what I’m learning. To be honest, this past year has been a train wreck. Multiple deaths in my family has left me struggling. Struggling with numbness. Struggling with connecting with others and with God. Struggling to focus. Life is hard. Death is hard. Pain is deep. Grieving is long. 20-year-old younger brothers aren’t supposed to get in a fatal car crash. Yet here we are. I really feel the groaning Paul talks about in Romans 8:22-23:

“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirt, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.”

We truly are not citizens of this painful world we live in. And all of creation is groaning, waiting for Jesus to make everything new like he promises in Revelation 21:5. And right now, I’m just stuck in that waiting. Praying that in the meantime, God would restore to me the joy of my salvation (Psalm 51:12).

            I’ve been listening to Ellie Holcomb’s new album, Red Sea Road, a lot this week. Just trying to remind myself of some truth since I don’t find myself in a great place right now. The song “Find You Here” is a reminder that God is

“Here when the healing hasn’t happened yet

Here in the middle of the desert place

Here in the middle when I cannot see your face”

Thankfully, God is still present when we don’t feel him and when things don’t make sense. Our pain and doubt aren’t too much for him. And just because things don’t make sense to me doesn’t mean God isn’t still working. I just need to work on really trusting that. God is still good. And we can grieve with hope. Anyways, that’s about all I’ve got since I’m not much of a writer. Feel free to listen to the song I mentioned in the video below!

Value of Community

By Tressa Czysz

Sometimes I try to do things all on my own. And by sometimes I mean most of the time. Thankfully, that's not the way that life is meant to be lived, and we are surrounded by people who pick us up when we're down, cheer us on when we succeed, and hand us a magnifying glass when we are squinting to read the fine print.

[Side note: I started writing this back in the fall, but never finished it, and am returning to it now. Hopefully, having just finished our 6th month of the program, I have insights and reflections that are even richer now that I have a little more experience as a Fellow.]

And the beauty of it all is that we're each very different, which makes it even more incredible the way that we work together and cover each other's weaknesses with our strengths. During our first full week we were at the Center for Creative Leadership for a three day orientation full of personality tests and team building. I am in awe of how intricately God has designed our class of fellows to complement each other and ultimately to bring glory to His Name through all that we do and accomplish together.

One interesting way that we got to see our personalities and strengths play out was by returning to Breakout Greensboro for another escape room challenge. Even more importantly than personality and strengths, in my opinion, was that we got to see how much we had grown together as a group and trusted each other. When someone found a clue, we gave them our attention and worked through it; this time around was much more of a team effort. We have certainly grown together through stories and hard times in our lives, but we have also had opportunities to celebrate together, and what a sweet gift that is!

As the end of the Fellows year is drawing closer and closer each day, I am saddened that our little family will never be exactly how it is in this season, but I am grateful for this experience and for the wonderful people that I have gotten to live in community with. And I'm grateful even more for the people that I have gotten to meet through or even outside of the program who I can already tell will also be dear friends for the years to come. 

May we never forget the value of community and friendship and sharing our lives with others!

Blawg 3: Return of the Blawg

By Tom Barker

            Have I mentioned my intense dislike of blawging before?  I can’t help but feel pretentious, even if it isn’t pretentious.  Why should you, my dear reader, care about my thoughts and feelings?  I have no right to demand this, yet, that is what this platform feels like to me, even though it isn’t.  I guess I’ll tell myself it’s my job, and then this isn’t my fault.  I will assume that if you are reading this, then you care and if you care, then I appreciate your kindness.  Thus I will reward your kindness with vulnerability.  (Because I love you.)

About a year ago, I was diagnosed with mild, but chronic depression.  It was unsettling, but pretty obvious once I thought about it.  My experience has been a consistently negative thought pattern about myself and life.  I constantly beat myself down and try to convince myself to believe the worst of others, with frequent success.  A month ago, after a particularly frustrating day, it finally dawned on me: depression is an addiction.  Self-hatred is self-pity, self-pity is self-hatred.  It’s comforting to feel like a victim.  It takes responsibility away from you.  Feeling like other people don’t care because I don’t give them a chance make me feel powerful because through this I can lie to myself that I’m better than them.  Self-pity is pride.  

And yet, God didn’t create us this way.  God isn’t looking down on us, as we wallow is self-pity, saying “why don’t you just get better?”  Instead, I think He says, “I didn’t create you to be this way, I’m sorry that you experience this.”  As an important aside, I would never say that people’s hurts and pains are entirely manufactured, your problems do matter and deserve to be heard and listened to.  I’m asking: how do we encourage and validate people, while helping them see that their self-pity is the sin that is keeping them depressed?

This last week I began to feel angry, detached and somewhat discouraged again.  I was too prideful/afraid to talk about it.  As we have established, I don’t like imposing my problems on other people, even if they want to hear them.  But, it is dawning on me that dilemma represents both the problem and solution.  If I can say this without throwing up, Love is what binds and frees us.  A self-centered “what can I get” love is what makes us crinkle inward like wrapping paper.  (It isn’t even love at that point, its greed).  A surrendering, sacrificial love enables us to reach out.  As Dodd “takes the cake” Drake, Jack Cody and Jean Vainer (that’s three reputable sources, so you better listen) often say, we have to sit down and let God love us.  Without that example as our source we can never be free.  We can never open like a flower and receive the genuine love of others.  But to do that you have to beat pride, to beat pride, you have to beat apathy, and to beat apathy; you must unlock purpose and all you have to do to unlock purpose is to exist.

Take Luck.

Pray for the Moon

By Tony Nguyen

“What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.  Hey.  That’s a pretty good idea.  I’ll give you the moon, Mary.” - George Bailey, It’s a Wonderful Life.

In a late night conversation I had with some Greensboro and Winston Fellows, we talked about prayer and desires.  We considered there’s much to learn from children and how they ask for things and what they ask for.  Often around Christmas time or birthdays, kids will get excited because they know they’ll get presents and, in preparation, they make wish lists.  Sometimes what’s on those lists are outrageous.  Among the typical asks such as games, toys, and clothes, one will find the requests of dreamers: a pet lion, a farm teeming with horses and chickens, or even the chance to meet your favorite soccer player in the world, Lionel Messi! (if only.) 

When most parents of such kids hear those requests, I imagine a sense of whimsy and disappointment falls on them because they’re probably thinking, “Man, my kid wants a lot of awesome stuff but I clearly do not have the means to get them XYZ.”

I’m painting this illustration to point out two truths that I believe will help inform us in our prayer life 

1.    Kids don’t know nor care for the legal, financial, or social implications of getting a pet lion for their birthday, all they know is Mommy and Daddy and that they pull through.  As one of my peers put it, “My young daughter wouldn’t ask me to buy her a farm if she didn’t think I could do it.”  Do we pray with the understanding that the Lord God, our Father in Heaven, Abba, Daddy does hear us and pulls through every time?  I hope we all take this to heart and feel it in our bones.

(Sidebar: I know this picture leaves things unsaid about broken families, neglect between parent and child, or even peers who neglect each other.  There’s also much to say about preventing our prayers from becoming shallow and idolatrous.  My point is that our prayers must begin with beholding who God is rightly.)

2.   If we do believe God is our loving Father and that He pulls through, why don’t we “pray for the moon” as my friend would say?  Do we pray for reconciliation, peace, joy beyond understanding, healing, or the desire to be obedient knowing that He is faithful to answer?

This second point brings to mind a deeper notion that I’m still meditating on: When we do pray in a posture as I’m describing and the Lord answers, will we have eyes to see and ears to hear?  Will we want what He gives us? Will we want Him in light of it?  I believe that’s where much of our frustration comes from in our walks with the Lord—when God is working in our lives and when he does answer prayer, we think He’s giving us a stone when we ask for bread.  Vice-versa, we may be praying for stones, unintentionally, but God knows we want bread.  It’s like when my baby host brother is asking for milk but doesn’t know how to say milk so it sounds like he’s asking for “cook”.  In that instance I know what he wants and I give him his bottle.

“If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” - John 15:7

Blessings,

TN

The Ministry of Reconciliation

The Ministry of Reconciliation

by Joel Cortez

It’s been about 5 months since I’ve joined the Greensboro Fellows and I can confidently say that it has been on of the best decisions of my life. To genuinely transform is an invaluable blessing. God has used people in my life to guide me through my darkest times; whether it is family, true friends, or strangers, and I would even dare to include my enemies. My family, specifically my mother’s side, contributed unconditional love and continuous prayer. My true friends added to the definition of loyalty and provided sincere motivation. Strangers, whether believers or not, simply blew my mind with acts of kindness and small yet wise tales.

            However, none have had a greater impact and purpose than my “guardian” Terry Greenlund (I can honestly call him my dad). God has chosen this great man to help me completely turn my life around. Out of every chance I gave death to take me, God spared me. Being far from deserving any second chance, I was given several. I strongly believe our face-to-face meeting was one reason why I was spared. I have made incredible progress since that meeting and I give all glory and honor to God, simply because that meeting could’ve gone many different ways. It could’ve been anyone. Yet in one of the most crucial moments of my life Terry and God spared me.

            Since then, I managed to graduate from Greensboro College and have had many meaningful journeys with Terry. He pushed me to make many beneficial decisions, one of which was to join The Fellows. I am here because of his guidance and constant pursuing. In addition, I am also here because of Tripp’s faith in me, as he also pursued and challenged me in unique ways. I felt an instant connection with him the very first interview I had with him. Both Terry and Tripp saw through my anger and pain. They saw past my worst.

God also sees past my worst and constantly reminds me of my value. He was always there with me. In the good and bad, but especially when I doubted and questioned Him. The sin kept me oblivious because I refused to let it go (“My sin was great, your love was greater!”). I have finally let go of the strongest grips against me. I am proud of all the obstacles and barriers I have managed to overpower, but I owe every ounce of credit to God (“What can separate us now!”). God has used people to help me transform from a dead carcass to a truly living human being! I wonder how he will use me in other people’s lives?! (2 Cor. 5:17- Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.)

Acceptance in Community

By Rachel Yowell

Once you’re out of college, time flies faster than it ever has before, a phrase I have heard consistently among post-college aged folks. And now I know what they’re talking about! Just like that it’s already February of our Fellows year! I have learned more about myself, about the Lord, and about the world than I ever thought I would, and with that has come a multitude of emotions. This journey that we’re on, this family that we get to be a part of allows us to experience deep excitement and joy, as well as deep sadness with each other. And everything we get to experience with one another is only a minute fraction of what our Creator feels alongside us. I think it’s beautiful that as brothers and sisters in Christ, we are invited into each other’s lives, and the joys and hardships that come along with it. It allows us to know each other deeply. It allows us to forgive one another. It allows us to accept each other, not in spite of our flaws, but accept each other with our flaws. It allows us to be known and be accepted, no matter what. I realized this after our testimony retreat; we laughed together and we wept together, and I think God was delighted watching us do so. That was when I realized that it doesn’t make sense for us fellows to get along as well as we do. We are each so different, but we love each other. No one feels the need to be someone they aren’t. No one feels the need to be “better” than the other. We recognize each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We don’t have to hide who we are, because we are accepted, and we can rejoice in our strengths and weaknesses. I think that’s what it is supposed to be like. This is the type of community Jesus wanted for us. This is the community that Jesus has for us in Heaven, and we’re experiencing a taste of it now.

In growing together and understanding each other better, I’ve learned that we are far more broken and in need of Jesus than we’re willing to admit (most of the time), and all the more, we are far more loved than we ever imagined! It hurts to see a brother or a sister suffer and hurt. I want to take away their pain and suffering. But, Jesus already did. And though I don’t want people to hurt or suffer, God uses our time of hurt to draw us closer to Him. I’ve learned that I can’t fix people, I can’t fix situations, I can’t take away pain and suffering, but I know that God knows what He’s doing despite of how I feel. We can love each other well by reminding each other of God’s powerful truths and the hope we have in Him, and that is better than any of us are able to offer. Living into those truths, and praying those truths over each other, and over yourself, will remind you who you are and who Jesus is when the storms come. A recent conversation with my mentor allowed me to realize that because we are all created in God’s image, every person has the ability to love God, whether they choose to or not. Every action we take has a reason behind it. And that reason has everything to do with how we view God and what we believe about Him. We have the opportunity to allow people to see that ability to love God, in every person we meet, no matter what they currently think about Him. We can choose to let them believe the lies the world is feeding them, or we can speak truth and love over them, and believe that they are loved by Jesus, not in spite of their flaws, but including their flaws. I think that seeing people as image-bearers of Christ and choosing to love people no matter what will change our culture immensely. In our Culture & Ethics class, we were challenged to think how to impact culture for the sake of the Gospel. I think everything I have been learning and everything I have been witnessing lately is helping me to understand how we can impact our culture for the sake of the Gospel. We need to be reminded of our need and our brokenness. We need to be reminded of God’s love for us. We need to be quick to forgive. And we need to love people where they are at, relentlessly. We’re all broken. We’re all loved more than we can fathom. What if we all lived that out in each other’s lives? What a profound impact that will have on our culture, especially right now. I’m thankful for the example of this that my fellow brothers and sisters have been. To Him be the Glory. 

Waiting, Longing, Hoping, Expecting

By Tressa Czysz

What are you waiting for?
What are you longing for?
What are you hoping for?
What are you expecting?

These questions keep coming up this Advent season. And I think they are questions that we don't typically spend enough time reflecting on. Because really, as we learned in class last week, "what the heart loves, the will chooses, and the mind justifies" -Thomas Cranmer. To me, this means that if we are consciously aware of the things that we are deeply longing for and waiting on, we can better anticipate and control the things we choose and seek after and the things we justify spending our time, energy, and talents on. Or, to look at it in reverse, all you must do is look at the things that you think make the most sense or the things that you prioritize and you can trace them back to some desire or expectation at their roots. And then once we have identified what we are waiting for, we can address what waiting looks like.

What does it mean to wait?
Does it mean to sit back and passively do nothing?
Does it mean to just letting whatever happens happen?
Or is there preparation to be done?
What does a hopeful anticipation look like?
How do we find the balance between waiting on the Lord and doing good works?

I think the challenge for me every day is definitely to slow down and do less, to trust God to move even when I'm not actively doing something. I get so caught up in my own head, thinking that I have to accomplish so many things and check off so many tasks from my list that I neglect just enjoying God and sitting in his presence. 

However, when it comes to big things, like what's the next big chapter in my life, what does my future career look like, and what might it look like to be a wife and a mother some day, I find that I don't spend as much time preparing and doing, but trusting that God's got a plan for all of it. Not to say that he doesn't, but I think that there's a fair amount of agency in those things as well, and if I could take some of my everyday "doing" and apply it towards preparing myself for the big things I'm waiting on, then maybe I would be a bit more ready when those future things come. And if I could slow down a little more every day and spend a little less time doing and a little more time enjoying being in the presence of God, I think I would feel a little more at peace in this season of Advent -both as an annual season and in the areas of my life that feel like seasons of waiting.